Hive Health

 This being April 1^st, I was struck with a mischievous urge to write an entry for this Blog, outrageous in content, designed to mislead the gullible among you. Perhaps an in-depth account, blinding you with science, of the successful development – using recombinant DNA techniques – of a novel species, based on genetic material from the Burmese ferret-badger and from a rare species of simian primate, indigenous to the Amazon rainforest, known affectionately as ‘The Spanking Monkey’ (due to elaborate social rituals, in which family members playfully tap each other). This new species – the Burmese badgerspank – is said to harbour traits from both parent species, and although the animal does seem drawn instinctively to spanking-based rituals, such urges are suppressed in most by a Buddhist-like display of restraint.

Instead, I thought I give you a rundown of my top 5 April Fool’s Day Hoaxes of all time.

#1: The Left-Handed Whopper

1998. Burger King announced the introduction of a new item to their menu – the “Left-Handed Whopper”. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper, but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers.

#2: Dutch Elm Disease Infects Redheads

1973. BBC Radio broadcast an interview with an elderly academic, ‘Dr. Clothier’, who discoursed on the government’s efforts to stop the spread of Dutch Elm Disease. During the interview, Dr. Clothier described several instances of infection in redheads, where the disease caused hair to turn yellow and eventually fall out. Redheads were advised to stay away from forests for the foreseeable future.

#3: Bearskin Helmets Need Trimming

1980. Soldier magazine revealed that the fur on the bearskin helmets worn by the Irish guards while on duty at Buckingham Palace grows continually and needs to be regularly trimmed. The phenomenon was attributed to a hormone that persists in the skin – otios. Apparently, scientists hope to put the hormone use in tackling male pattern baldness. An accompanying photo showed Guardsmen sitting in an army barbershop, having their helmets trimmed.

#4. San Serriffe

1977: The Guardian published a special seven-page supplement devoted to San Serriffe, a small republic said to consist of several semi-colon-shaped islands located in the Indian Ocean. Its two main islands were named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse. A series of articles affectionately described the geography and culture of this obscure nation.

#5. Alabama Changes the Value of Pi

1998: The April 1998 issue of the New Mexicans for Science and Reason newsletter contained an article claiming that the Alabama state legislature had voted to change the value of pi to the ‘Biblical value’ of 3.0.